I Built a Million Followers, Then Went Quiet for a Year

I built a million followers, and then I went quiet for a year.

I still remember the five separate times in between when I logged back in and saw the notifications maxed out, ghosts from the past asking me if I was okay, what I was up to. I remember feeling I couldn't be better.

While I was scrolling, it felt like a two-way mirror where I could see my videos, but I wasn't seeing myself. It was like I was standing on the other side of an interrogation room, and I could see myself so clearly. On the other side, I felt like I needed to prove my story, to say what I needed to say to get out of this room.

What I didn't realize then is that I created that room. I was slowly building the walls and keeping myself chained to this table, becoming a prisoner to the algorithm, prisoner to the likes and to the comments. Suddenly I was performing, saying what I needed to say to have the illusion of freedom, because at the end of the day I saw the rewards of creating content, generating traffic, and building a business.

The five times that I visited myself, especially that last time, I knew that it was time to let go, to set her free, and to hold love for all that she taught me. The resilience that it takes to post online, to showcase yourself, to liberate your voice. I took the lessons that she graciously and fearlessly gave me so that I could finally integrate them with the truth of who I am.

I didn't know then that building the account was slowly building the room, slowly putting up these walls, slowly creating the shackles that kept me there. I didn't know that I was betraying my inner child in the pursuit of financial liberation. However, it didn't feel like liberation. It felt like protection, out of alignment, away from authenticity. I felt like copy-paste. Lost in a sea of stars afraid to twinkle.

For every belief I subscribed to I unsubscribed from a part of myself.

It was Pavlov's law in effect and suddenly the room I built felt like an interrogation room. You can't escape it, and it's like you're being watched even if you're left alone. That's exactly what it felt like.

After what many would consider a spiritual awakening, where I faced the music and saw myself shackled to that table in that room, I realized that I had done that to myself. I did that so that I could see what happens when you allow the external world to dictate your internal world. It was the compression of that which allowed me to go so deep within myself. It was the compression that allowed me to flip inward. That's what it took for me.

Through the healing of the self, I focused on being of service to clients, and I focused on still helping other people build their business. It felt good for a while, until I realized that the creative force it takes to help someone else birth their creation still required me to put myself on the back burner. When I realized that, I had all this time for myself, and there I was in the mirror, patiently waiting.

There was a moment where the energetic exchange of throwing myself into the next thing just didn't feel fulfilling anymore. It's because I was changing. I went through the battle of worthiness and willingness to receive this new version of myself, and what fear she had.

I gave power to the beliefs that other people have, and the truth of the matter is I have to subscribe to that belief in order to give my power away to it. When I started inventorying why I was still hiding my voice, why it was easier to be behind the scenes, why it was easier to build other people's business than my own, it was because there was still a part of me that didn't feel worthy of being seen for who I am and who I was becoming. When I realized that wound, I knew at that moment that the only person who could unseat me was myself.

I was in rooms and sat at tables with people who would laugh at other creators for making content about their beliefs in a greater power, the universe, the creator, God, source. It took me back to being a kid who deep down knew she was different but couldn't name it. It felt like I was back in the closet again. I knew that I'll always be the person who shares a meal with someone, but I didn't have to sit at that table anymore. I knew that this wouldn't be a place I could invite people into, if the people in that room cast judgment but would very easily take their money.

During my year of spiritual travels, going to Egypt, Peru, France, and workshops and retreats in between, I spoke to hundreds of people. As an NLP practitioner, I tend to meet people where they are without holding judgment. That comes from knowing I was a different person as a kid, which I later came to find out was called being gay.

I have a tender heart when it comes to really meeting people. So it landed hard, experiencing that from people who also claim to be heart-centered, hearing their beliefs about charging money, or having a business, or owning anything, as though it were anti-spiritual. Without them knowing what I did for a living, I already knew there was judgment before they got to know me, similar to people making comments about gay people before they knew.

In both worlds, I found myself in the closet.

After spending a hundred thousand dollars on coaches and mentors and courses, you name it, I realized there wasn't anything that could glue these worlds together for me.

That is something I needed to do within, in order for the external environment to allow me to build that room. That digital temple.

I knew that's what it had been all along. Through meditation, through the downloads, through experiences in the astral, through ceremonies, through plant medicine, it has come through in so many different ways, as spirit does. But it wasn't until I was compressed with the feeling that I wouldn't be loved or accepted for who I was that I could see it clearly. It all started making sense: that all of the masks I have been putting on were simply so I could see the depth, and the separation between liberation and protection.

And now I feel seated in my body. My heart is connected, my feet are grounded, and my spine is elongated, knowing that I am supported from above, below, and all around.

I know that what is coming through is simply for me to translate, and that the more I do it, there may still be filters that are capturing the invitation for me to alchemize. That can only be liberated through the initiation of honoring my soul's desire to transmit God, to create and co-create with the universe, to encode the light, in hopes that it's enough to spark your light.

It feels like a dance. It feels elegant, and I'm doing it for myself first.

This is my first post. My voice, my heart, unfiltered. I'm back in the field, not blending in with the noise but creating a new station, knowing that those who have the frequency and resonate are already tuning in.

Welcome to the Coven Letters, a place where I will bridge the different aspects of self, from experiences in business to being an intuitive spiritual being.